Watching a short video of Sadhguru led to a huge recognition and self-discovery for me.
He clearly remembers and articulates his memory of how he thought as a child. He explains that around age four and a half he suddenly realizes he doesn’t know anything.
By age five he “is” a billion questions and he is convinced that the adults around him know all the things that he doesn’t know, but they are not explaining it to him.
Finally, he concludes that THEY don’t know either, but they have “made a deal with their ignorance” that they would all agree not to know things and move on.
He could not make that deal. Instead he would stare for hours and days at the things he did not understand. This led to behavior that looked like he was crazy or rebellious to the adults around him. It also led to a lot of wisdom eventually.
Listen to his story. It may bring up memories of your own childhood thinking and you might realize what deals you made with what you did not know. Or put another way, how you dealt with what you could not understand.
WARNING: If you have not been exposed to much (or any) Eastern wisdom, you might get distracted by Sadhguru’s clothes or his long white beard or the way he sits. Try to ignore that and tune into what is universal in his experience that rises above time and culture. (His childhood story is about 1:01-8:07)
My deal. My pattern of thinking.
All my life—at least for all the decades since my childhood—I had this belief. (And by “had” I mean until a few hours ago.)
“No one understands me; at least no one in the family I was born to does and almost no one else either.”
Somehow, I believed that if someone really loved me, they would be able to understand and appreciate my internal world. No one could, so most of the time I felt unloved, isolated and judged instead of appreciated.
Going to my childhood home for a visit felt like I had to live in duplicity. “I can’t show my true self because that “true” me is not what “they” expect me to be, so I “have to” be what they expect me to be so “they” feel comfortable.”
How is that even possible? How would “they” feel more comfortable by me “acting” in some way?
In my assumption is judgment and pride. “They” are who and where “they” are, experiencing “their” own reality. “They” have their own “unknowings” and live within the construct of “making deals with their ignorance”. “They” accept what they can’t understand as a normal way to think and may figure everyone (including me) is having the same experiences and thoughts.
My experience is not theirs.
Today, I am opening up my eyes to some deals I have made with myself. Yesterday I could not see things this way and I was struggling with feelings about going to visit my homeland in a few weeks.
When I was a child I didn’t understand my own deep thoughts and feelings. They were big and important to me and I wanted to talk about them, but no one seemed to understand what I was talking about and the ideas certainly didn’t seem important to others.
In order to “fit in” (when it appeared to me that others didn’t feel/think as I did/do). I reasoned that those thoughts and feelings must be “bad” or “silly” or “unimportant”. I decided to bury them and part of me with it. I cannot blame anyone else for this. That was MY deal.
Now that I see how I hid those feelings and thoughts, I can give life to that child in me that obediently hid away and I can undo that deal. Doing so may or may not be uncomfortable for others. How others feel is none of my business. I am not the judge of how others feel.
Believing I have control over how others feel is the height of being a “control freak”. It is doing to them what I’m internally complaining they are doing to me! “I can’t understand them.” It is true.
But my jump has always been that “understanding someone” is the way to show love. I see now that there is no possible connection between “understanding someone” (which is not really possible) and love.
Question: So how do I now release that pattern, erroneous thought process and “deal” that I set up in myself?
Possible answer: I will NOT attempt to “take care” of others’ feelings. “They” are the only ones that can take care of their feelings for themselves. I will not judge how they feel. I can’t even know what they feel/think, let alone judge if what they feel is “good” or “bad”.
Others also can’t know how I feel. They CAN’T understand me! (Such a light bulb moment!) It is simply not possible to actually know how someone else feels. I can only project what my own feelings are and suppose “they” must feel however I am feeling.
Therefore, love, acceptance and worthiness cannot be attached to being understood.
If love is not attached to being understood, what is love attached to?
Possible answer #1–> Nothing. Love doesn’t attach.
Possible answer #2–> Being. Existing. Love—the ability to love and be loved—is a quality of simply existing. I don’t have to do anything to love or show love. It exists because a person exists.
Possible answer #3–> Love is energy. The more expanded and *unblocked I am—the more energy, intelligence and light can flow through me—the more love I can experience and give. Three scriptural references come to mind:
“As I have loved you, love one another”John 13:34
“God is love.”John 3:8
God’s name is “I am”.Exodus 3:14
I “meet people where they are” by being as expanded, unblocked and open to the **flow of intelligence as I can be in any given moment. My modus operandi has been to try to figure out how someone is feeling and react to them in a way that I think will please them. This is a form of control and fear.
I don’t need to talk or not talk. I don’t need to feel or not feel. I don’t need to think or not think. I don’t need to please or not please. I just need to be.
“Being without doing” is far more profound than I understood when I first wrote about it in the Holding Space Practice.
Now I have to practice!
Practice Being with others without judging them or me. Do it with faith, not fear. Faith is not knowing what will happen next and trusting whatever happens is OK.
Fear is the opposite of love.
Fear is blockage.
“For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”2 Timothy 1:7
*blockages come from trying to protect myself from what I perceive could be dangerous or hurtful. Whether there is actual danger or hurt is irrelevant. It is my perception that there is that shuts down and off parts of me and creates blocks in the constant flow of energy, light, life and intelligence meant to flow through me.
** “flow of intelligence” might be the “Holy Ghost” or the “Holy Spirit” See this blog post about that idea.